Raise your hand if you questioned your ability to parent based off your performance during the first trimester?
Just me? Welp -- carry on!
Friends, that first trimester gave me a hard kick in the biscuits. The "morning" sickness loved me so much, it stuck around through week 20. Wasn't that nice?
Now, the first trimester was behind me and it was time to focus on the second!
While this trimester was easier in many ways, it came with so many unexpected changes. I knew that pregnancy came with nausea, gas, discomfort, and a large belly. What I did not know was all of the other changes I would go through leading up to my delivery.
(I cannot reiterate enough that every pregnancy is different. My next pregnancy may not be the same as my first. You may not have the same experiences I had. That is okay! Your pregnancy is your own.)
"Now what?"
After a week of wariness towards the nausea subsiding, I was finally feeling the pregnancy energy I had heard so much about. It was like I had an IV of caffeine running through my body at all times. I was also blessed with the glow. You know the one. The glorious energy and inner light that radiates through your skin to show the world the magical goddess you are during this insane process. I transformed from the first trimester gremlin who ran out of a room at the smell of pizza to the girl who would not stop talking about decorating the nursery. Don't believe me? Ask anyone who came in contact with me - family, students, strangers at Target.
All of this newfound energy seemed to radiate into every aspect of my life. I had the energy to go out and be a person again. I was cooking. Most importantly, I had plenty of energy to drag my husband around Target every time we left the house for "an errand that just couldn't wait". I also had the energy to cry for hours about the fact that one of Nemo's fins was shorter than the other (hormones...am I right?).
"Who is that girl I see?"
Around week 20, I stood in front of the mirror and just stared. Over the preceding few months, my appearance was the least of my concerns. I was on summer break with little to do. Who needed to look cute to be nauseous on the couch? Anyway, I was finally feeling up to going out so I was getting ready. I had put on a maternity shirt and thrown my hair up into a bun when I looked in the mirror. And just like Mulan, I wondered who the girl I saw was.
My hair was long, my face was a circle, and my chest and bottom had grown quite a bit. Whose body was this?
The thoughts racing through my head were not negative. I didn't hate the way I looked, I just didn't look like...well, me. I already had not felt like myself and now that I felt like some semblance of normal, I didn't look like myself. It was almost as if I had transformed over night. It was truly disorienting. I took off the maternity shirt, threw on the pajamas I had become so accustomed to, crawled back into bed, and cried.
After about five minutes, my husband walked into the room, cautiously, to see what was going on. He asked what was wrong and do you know what I said?
"I have no idea what is happening right now!!"
He looked at me with the most uncertain look you can imagine. Can you blame him? How do you respond to that?
Well, he laughed. He laughed and he held me in his arms while I went back to sobbing. I finally stopped and looked at him. With tears still pouring down my face, I smiled, laughed, and said, "I finally feel pregnant."
While I was finally feeling pregnant, I also started to feel my identity shift from Alyssa to pregnant Alyssa. Everyone asked about the baby. How is the baby? Is she kicking? Are you gassy? Do you have to pee all the time? I slowly started to realize that I was an incubator!
Don't get me wrong, my entire focus was on the wellbeing of our daughter. She is all I wanted to talk and think about. I just didn't want to discuss all of my bodily functions with everyone around me. To top it off, I was pregnant and working with high schoolers. Do you know how many questions high schoolers have about pregnancy? A million.
I won't lie to you, it took some adjusting. I began waddling in my second trimester. I was constantly told I was "adorably" pregnant, which made me feel like a toddler, and I couldn't stop crying at the most random things. Making it through the school day without crying for no reason became a personal challenge. I managed not to cry randomly, if for no reason other than the merciless comments and memes my high school students would create and taunt me with for years to come.
So, what was the major take away from my second trimester?
As much as I was changing, so was my daughter. She was growing and developing so much every day. She was kicking and hiccuping. I swear she was laughing at all the craziness she could hear.
As crazy as the second trimester was, it was the first deep connection I consciously felt with Evalynn. I knew she was there. Sickness did not overwhelm the feelings of pregnancy. Every bit of physical growth on my body embodied the necessary growth she was doing. I was blessed to be in this moment, this body, and this time.
Did I cry randomly? Absolutely. Did I walk like a penguin? You bet I did.
The second trimester was the most identity challenging for me. It was a time of learning and personal growth. It was also the time I began to learn who I am as a mother.
What were your experiences in your second trimester? I would love to hear your stories in the comments below.
Until next time, friends!
0 Comments